28 October 2017, by Somesh Valentino Curti
A funny title for an article about a not so funny experience
for many men who have difficulties with keeping their erection during sex. I am
a man myself and a Sex counselor in Amsterdam and I know how much this topic is
sensitive and can cause painful feelings.
Not getting it up is still a sort of taboo between men. It
is packed with shame, guilt and a sense of failure and usually we don’t like to
talk about it at all. But it is a very common experience, more than we might
expect. So, why not expose it? Why not to take this topic out of the cage of
shame, guilt and sense of failure and make it lighter, approachable and
therefore conquerable?
Men of the world, Unite!
The first thing is to start to talk about it between men.
The taboo is in fact much more dangerous than the problem itself. Therefore I
say… Men of the world, Unite!… Find the courage to talk about it with a friend
or friends that you trust and you will see that you are not alone in this. It
is so common! Let’s take down the wall of fear of judgement and rejection and
be light and open about it.
Let’s learn from women
Let’s look at how our girlfriends, wives, mothers and
sisters relate with each other. They talk much more freely then us men about
personal issues (even too much, as we know!). They are generally not ashamed to
share about sexual topics and find comfort, understanding and support. Let’s
learn from them and deepen male friendships. Let’s value our friends and have
the courage to allow each other to be ourselves not only when we feel good,
smart and invincible but when we feel low and not good enough as well.
Real man and media man
The common image of how a man is supposed to perform during
the sexual ritual in our modern societies, is the one of the macho; a rough and
supercool man, mainly created by media (advertising) and porn movies. Let’s
disengage from the comparison with porn-actors with a big, large penis which
can stay stiff for hours making the women crazy. It is a fake, exaggerated
image and creates many taboos and negative feelings. Let’s throw it out of our
minds immediately!
Erection is not a performance
The first important thing to know about an erection is that
we can get one when we are attracted to someone and relaxed about ourselves. If
we are only attracted but not relaxed, it doesn’t happen. Having an erection is
often conceived in a man’s mind as a performance, as something we have to do.
Well, it is not true, an erection belongs to the category of activities like
falling asleep, crying, laughing etc. We don’t do it, it happens all by itself.
So, the first thing to take out of our minds is the idea that we are a failure
if we don’t have an erection, because it is like feeling guilty if we cannot
fall asleep.
How women see the lack of erection and sex without erection
If you have a partner, don’t hesitate to share about how
this situation makes you feel. Feelings need to be expressed and not repressed.
The majority of women don’t give so much importance to the erection. They have
a completely different approach to sexuality than us men. They are much more
looking for a feeling of connection and trust. Plus, all their body is
erogenous, while we as men have our minds fixed on our penises as if sexuality
is only about penetration and coming. Get out of that frame, and explore
sexuality also without having an erection. A new world of sensations, feelings and pleasures will be
revealed to you.
When women reject you
In case a woman rejects and judges you, it means that she is
not a good partner for you. Many women get their sense of value from being
wanted sexually by a man. They use sex to get attention and self-value. If you
cannot have an erection, it might trigger a sense of failure or a lack of
self-esteem in them and, if they are not aware of that, they might reject you.
Forget about it and keep looking for partners who are open to you as you are.
Isn’t that what we all really want in the end? Just being accepted as we are
and not as we are expected to be?
How to approach sex if you have repetitive erectile
dysfunction
This is about being true to yourself. When you usually can’t
get it up the first thing to do is to breathe and to give time to yourself to
feel if you want to/can have sex or not. In fact, it is very important to
understand your feelings in the moment and to take a step in the right
direction that you feel comfortable with.
If the level of insecurity is too high, I would suggest you
not to push yourself but to take a break and share what you feel with your
partner. On the other hand, avoiding sex is also not a solution, and a bit of
courage in approaching it, is required. You could go ahead without an erection
and see if it gets up during foreplay. But keep in mind that it is possible to
have a beautiful sexual experience even without erection and penetration.
Follow what you feel in the moment, but always take risks
that you can afford and, with time, you will gain more confidence and trust in
yourself. See it as a process of rehabilitation: A progressive training of your
wounded self-esteem.
How to deal with the memory of the past episodes
Don’t let the memory of what happened before (even if it
happened many times) to predict the outcome of your meeting. Each woman is
unique, each moment is unique, you are unique in each moment. Approaching it
afresh all the time will make it special. And be honest, if you feel too
insecure, it means that there is too much pressure on yourself and sex is no
more something fun and enjoyable but an arena in which you have to demonstrate
your value. Just give a break to yourself, your value as man and as sex partner
is much more than having an erection!
Underlying causes of erectile dysfunction
From my experience as therapist, the main causes of erectile
dysfunction amongst men seem to be: stress-related problems coming from a
difficult period in life; the end of a
feeling of attraction for a partner or a lack of self-esteem. During a therapy
process, you are going to discover that this symptom is just the tip of the
iceberg: A superficial sign of a deeper experience you are having. It affects
sexuality because it is a field that attracts your attention immediately. You
will not ignore it, and this is the beginning of a self-exploration that goes
much deeper than just getting the erection back. In fact, when you will forget
about your erection for a while, it will start happening again.
The “arena” of sex and a new invitation
Sex is a reproductive activity linked with pleasure because
pleasure brings us to do it in order to reproduce the species. As human beings
we’ve learnt to isolate the pleasurable experience from the reproductive
function. The result of this division is that it became an “arena” in which a
lot of our self-worth is built up or destroyed. Plus, living in a goal-oriented
and competitive society makes us see almost all our activities as performances.
We use sex to be liked, to get attention and to check if we
are ok as we are. This creates an extra weight on this simple, animalistic and
joyful experience and it can put our erection down. I suggest you to approach
this uncomfortable situation as an invitation to stop using sex for a purpose
of self-esteem. And use it, instead, to know yourself better as man, to explore
sex and its different possibilities and to become natural and innocent again
also in this field of your life.
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